please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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