I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
