So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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