Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
