mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
