they need to just BURY HIM!
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
