Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
We left the knife in your bed.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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