I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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