I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
