11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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