All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
