It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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