I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
pop tarts are not kleenex
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
