Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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