yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
