sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
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