I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
