Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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