The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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