conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
