I puked a lego.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
