guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
