Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
