he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
