I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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