Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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