I am spending my child support on dildos
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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