I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
