Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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