I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
