I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I think I won the penis lottery.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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