I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
