i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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