8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
