god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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