dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
