i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
