I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
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