I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
