If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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