I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
