Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
