Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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