The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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