If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
