He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
