I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
