i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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