Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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