Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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