I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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