guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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