I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
