I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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